JOKES:Grandma's Boyfriend

A 5-year old boy went to visit his grandmother one day. While playing
with his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting furniture, he
looked up and said, "Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend?"

Grandma replied, "Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can set in my bedroom
and watch it all day long. The TV evangelists keep me company and make
me feel so good.

The comedies make me laugh. I'm so happy with my TV as my boyfriend."
Grandma turned on the TV and the picture was horrible. She started
adjusting the knobs trying to get the picture in focus. Frustrated, she
started hitting on the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem. The
little boy heard the doorbell ring so he hurried to open the door.

When he opened the door, there stood Grandma's minister. The minister
said, "Hello son is your grandma home?"

The little boy replied, "Yeah, she's in the bedroom bangin' her boyfriend."

jokes:Do yo know me?

A small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand in a trial -- a grandmotherly, elderly woman.

He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"

She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy. And frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a rising big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you will never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Williams, do you know the defense attorney?"

She replied, "Why, yes I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. I used to baby-sit him for his parents. And he, too, has been a real disappointment to me. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. The man can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the shoddiest in the entire state. Yes, I know him."

At this point, the judge rapped the courtroom to silence and called both counselors to the bench.

In a very quiet voice, he said with menace, "If either of you asks her if she knows me, you'll be jailed for contempt!"

jokes:A Petty Thief, a Teacher and a Lawyer

A petty thief, a teacher and a lawyer die and go to heaven.

When they get there they are stopped by St. Peter, who then says, "Sorry, heaven's crowding up, so you need to answer a question correctly, or else you can't get in."

He looks at the teacher, and asks her: "What was the name of the famous ocean-liner that sank after hitting an iceberg?" "Oh, that's easy," the teacher replied, "the Titanic." So St. Peter let her into heaven.

Next he turned to the petty thief. "How many people died on that ship?" St. Peter asked. "Oooh, that's tough, but I saw the movie, and it was 1, 500." St. Peter stepped away and the thief walked into heaven.

Finally, St. Peter turned to the lawyer. He simply said to him: "Name them."

Gals Watch out!!

Indian Cricket Team!!!!!

Watch out Gals......Guys are Guys no matter wat.....

Jokes:Young business man

A young businessman had just started his own business. He'd rented a beautiful office and had it brilliantly decorated. Sitting there, he saw a man come into the outer office.

Wishing to appear busy, the young businessman picked up the phone and started to pretend he was working a big deal. He was shouting huge figures and made giant commitments.

Finally, he hung up and asked the visitor, "Can I help you?" The man said, "Sure. I'm here to install the phone!"

humor Jokes: football in heaven

Two old guys, Abe and Sol, are sitting on a park bench feeding pigeons and talking about football, like they do every day. Abe turns to Sol and says, "Do you think there's football in heaven?"
Sol thinks about it for a minute and replies, "I dunno. But let's make a deal: if I die first, I'll come back and tell you if there's football in heaven, and if you die first, you do the same."
They shake on it and sadly, a few months later, poor Abe passes on. One day soon afterward, Sol is sitting there feeding the pigeons by himself when he hears a voice whisper,

"Sol... Sol..."

Sol responds, "Abe! Is that you?"
"Yes it is, Sol," whispers Abe's ghost.
Sol, still amazed, asks, "So, is there football in heaven?"
"Well," says Abe, "I've got good news and bad news."
"Gimme the good news first," says Sol.
Abe says, "Well... there is football in heaven."
Sol says, "That's great! What news could be bad enough to ruin that!?"
Abe sighs and whispers, "You're gonna strike a goal this Friday."

Clean jokes-Wife Rules!

My Dad and I were talking the other night about love and marriage.
He told me that he knew as early as their wedding what marriage to my Mom would be like. It seems the minister asked my Mom, "Do you take this man to be your husband." And she said,
"I do."
Then the minister asked my Dad, "Do you take this woman to be your wife," and my Mom said, "He does."

The Hierarchy …..a short story….

The phone bill was exceptionally high and the man of the house called a family meeting.

*Dad:* People this is unacceptable. You have to limit the use of the phone. I do not use this phone, I use the one at the office.

*Mom*: Same here, I hardly use this home telephone as I use my work telephone

*Son*: Me too, I never use the home phone. I always use my company mobile

*Maid*: So what is the problem? We all use our work telephones …!!!

Jokes:Two Ladies Talking in Heaven

1st woman: Hi! My name is Wanda.
2nd woman: Hi! I'm Sylvia. How'd you die?

1st woman: I froze to death.
2nd woman: How horrible!

1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I
Began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What
About you?

2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my
Husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act.
But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.

1st woman: So, what happened?
2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that
I started running all over the house looking.

I ran up into the attic
And searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every
Closet and checked under all the beds.

I kept this up until I had
Looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just
Kneeled over with a heart attack and died.

1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer ---we'd both still be
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If earth rotates 30 times faster?

What would happen, if earth starts rotating 30 times faster than it normally does?
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We would get salary everyday.

jokes:Three sisters

Once upon a time there were three sisters, ages 92, 94 and 96, and they all lived together.

One night the 96 year old ran a bath. She put one foot in and paused. "Was I getting in the tub or out?" she yelled.

The 94 year old hollered back, "I don't know. I'll come and see." She started up the stairs and stopped. She shouted, "Was I going up or coming down?"

The 92 year old sitting at the kitchen table having tea, listening to her sister’s shook her head and said, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful," and knocked on wood for good measure.

Then she yelled, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door."

Funny Jokes: Remarks at Your Funeral

3 friends die in a car accident and they go to an orientation in heaven. They are all asked, "When you are in your casket and friends and family are talking about you, what would you like them to say?

The first guy says,"I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time, and a great family man."

The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher which made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow."

The last guy replies, "I would like to hear them say ... Look, He's Moving!

joke:A THEORY ON HELL

The following is an actual question given on a University of
Washington chemistry mid-term:

"Is Hell exothermic [gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?
Support your answer with a proof."

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law
(gas cools off when it expands and heats up when it is compressed) or
some variant. One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So,
we need to know the rate that souls are moving into Hell and the rate
they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul
gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As
for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different
religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions
state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to
Hell. Since there are more than one of these religions and since
people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that
all people and all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as
they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase
exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in
Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and
pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand as
souls are added. This gives two possibilities.

1) If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls
enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase
until all Hell breaks loose.

2) Of course, if Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase
of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until
Hell freezes over.

So which is it? If we accept the postulate given to me by Ms. Therese
Banyan during my Freshman year "That it will be a cold night in Hell
before I sleep with you," and take into account the fact that I still
have not succeeded in having sexual relations with her, then (2)
cannot be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic.

The student got the only A.

jokes:Do yo know me?

A small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand in a trial -- a grandmotherly, elderly woman.

He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"

She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy. And frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a rising big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you will never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Williams, do you know the defense attorney?"

She replied, "Why, yes I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. I used to baby-sit him for his parents. And he, too, has been a real disappointment to me. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. The man can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the shoddiest in the entire state. Yes, I know him."

At this point, the judge rapped the courtroom to silence and called both counselors to the bench.

In a very quiet voice, he said with menace, "If either of you asks her if she knows me, you'll be jailed for contempt!"

Mouse joke

A: I'm in a big trouble!
B: Why is that?
A: I saw a mouse in my house!
B: Oh, well, all you need to do is use a trap.
A: I don't have one.
B: Well then, buy one.
A: Can't afford one.
B: I can give you mine if you want.
A: That sounds good.
B: All you need to do is just use some cheese in order to make the mouse come to the trap.
A: I don't have any cheese.
B: Okay then, take a piece of bread and put a bit of oil in it and put it in the trap.
A: I don't have oil.
B: Well, then put only a small piece of bread.
A: I don't have bread.
B: Then what is the mouse doing at your house?!

A Petty Thief, a Teacher and a Lawyer

A petty thief, a teacher and a lawyer die and go to heaven.

When they get there they are stopped by St. Peter, who then says, "Sorry, heaven's crowding up, so you need to answer a question correctly, or else you can't get in."

He looks at the teacher, and asks her: "What was the name of the famous ocean-liner that sank after hitting an iceberg?" "Oh, that's easy," the teacher replied, "the Titanic." So St. Peter let her into heaven.

Next he turned to the petty thief. "How many people died on that ship?" St. Peter asked. "Oooh, that's tough, but I saw the movie, and it was 1, 500." St. Peter stepped away and the thief walked into heaven.

Finally, St. Peter turned to the lawyer. He simply said to him: "Name them."

Engineer jokes

A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!" The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude! "The pastor said, "Hey, here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him." [dramatic pause]

"Hi, George. Say, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"

The greens keeper replied, "Oh, yes, that's a group of blind firefighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."

The group was silent for a moment.

The pastor said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."

The doctor said, "Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them."

The engineer said, "Why can't these guys play at night?"

Priest joke

Jack and Max are walking from religious service. Jack wonders whether it would be all right to smoke while praying.

Max replies, "Why don't you ask the Priest?"

So Jack goes up to the Priest and asks, "Father, may I smoke while I pray ?"

The Priest replies, "No, my son, you may not! That's utter disrespect to our religion."


Jack goes back to his friend and tells him what the good Priest told him.

Max says, "I'm not surprised. You asked the wrong question. Let me try."

And so Max goes up to the Priest and asks, "Father, may I pray while I smoke ?"

To which the Priest eagerly replies, "By all means, my son. By all means. You can always pray whenever you want to."

Amazing Answers

Joke:BE vs MBA

This particular joke won an award for the best joke in a competition....

Organized in Britain and this joke was sent by an Indian......

A MBA and a BE go on a camping trip, set up their tent ,and fell asleep.

Some hours later, the BE wakes his MBA friend. "

look up at the sky and tell me what you see." The MBA replies, "I see

millions of stars."

"What does that tell you?"



The MBA ponders for a minute.

"Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies


and potentially billions of planets.

Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo.

Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three.

Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all-powerful and

we are small and insignificant.


Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.

What does it tell you?"

The BE is silent for a moment, then speaks.

"Practically...Someone has stolen our tent".


" ENGINEERING = 100% COMMON SENSE "